This page is sponsored by the Royal Insomniacs Society

SAINTLY PATRONAGES
Patron saint of stuttering children (St Notkat Bulbulus)
Patron saint of roller skating (St Lydwina of Schiedam)
Patron saint of warehouses (St Barbara)
Patron saint of Florentine cheese merchants (St Bartholomew)
Patron saint of geese (St Martin of Tours)
Patron saint of sleepwalkers (St Dymphna)
Patron saint of wool combers (St Blaise)
Patron saint of those who fear mice (St Gertrude of Nivelles)
Patron saint of hangover sufferers (St Vivian)
Patron saint of potholing (St Benedict)
Patron saint of tramps (St Edwin)
Patron saint of dysentery sufferers (St Lucy of Syracuse)
Patron saint of air hostesses (St Anthony of Padua)
Patron saint of bakers of holy wafers (St Honorius of Amiens)
Patron saint of truss makers (St Foillan)
Patron saint of lighthouse keepers (St Dunstan)
Patron saint of souls in purgatory (St Odilo)
Patron saint of disappointing children (St Clotilde)
Patron saint of those who fight communism (St Joseph)
Patron saint of second-hand clothes sellers (St Anne)
Patron saint of dandruff sufferers (St Genesius of Arles)
Patron saint of Belgian air crews (St Therese of Lisieux)
Patron saint of wax melters (St Bernard of Clairvaux)
Patron saint of whales (St Brendan the Navigator)
Patron saint of dog fanciers (St Hubert of Liege)

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ASK YOUR CAT DURING A GAME OF TRIVIAL PURSUIT
Geography – In which Irish county would you find Knock airport? (Answer: Mayo)
Entertainment – Which of Kate Bush's hit songs had a palindromic title? (Answer: Wow)
History – Who declared the formation of the People' Republic of China in 1949? (Answer: Mao)
Art & Literature – What is the name of the mysterious shepherd in the children's fantasy novel 'Hunted'? (Answer: Mowl)
Science & Nature – What name is given to a purple rash beneath the skin? (Answer: purpura)
Sports & Leisure – The US women's basketball coach at the Seoul Olympics was Kay who? (Answer: Yow)

TOP 10 THINGS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE AT NIGHT
01) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
02) What would a world with no hypothetical situations be like?
03) How does the snowplough driver get to work?
04) If a shop is open 24 hours a day why are there locks on the doors?
05) If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a building, what would happen?
06) Why is bra singular and knickers plural?
07) Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
08) Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
09) How do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
10) Is there a Speed of Dark?

TEN THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGHT THE DAY
01) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
02) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
03) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
04) It is easier to beg for forgiveness than to get permission
05) Remember that Noah's Ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals
06) Never exercise. If you haven't got any muscles you can't strain anything
07) War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
08) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
09) Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day -
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink himself stupid
10) Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming the other way

TOP 20 OXYMORONS
01) Microsoft Works
02) Military intelligence
03) Religious tolerance
04) Government Organization
05) Married life
06) Family holiday
07) Business ethics
08) Fun run
09) Bass guitar
10) Management style
11) Scientific belief
12) Stealth bomber
13) Rush hour
14) Domestic bliss
15) Rap music
16) Virgin Rail timetable
17) Special Constable
18) Healthy tan
19) Work party
20) Adult male

11  bands with fruit and vegetables in their name
1. Prefab Sprout
2. The Lemon Heads
3. The Lemon Kittens
4. The Applejacks
5. Chicory Tip
6. Love and Rockets
7. Strawberry Switchblade
8. Black Grape
9. Olive
10. Strawberry Alarm Clock (yes, really)
11. Smashing Pumpkins
You can't have Bananarama cos the banana is a herb. So there.

10  bands with modes of airborne transport in their name
1. U2
2. The B52s
3. Led Zeppelin
4. The Eagles (Apollo 11 lunar module)
5. Billy J Kramer and the Dakotas
6. Love and Rockets (again)
7. Johnny and the Hurricanes
8. Jefferson Airplane
9. Jefferson Starship
10. Roy Wood and the Helicopters

10 songs where the title doesn't appear in the song
1. Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
2. 2112, Rush
3. Amoureuse, Kiki Dee
4. Baba O'Reilly, The Who
5. Song For Guy, Elton John
6. Space Oddity, David Bowie
7. Sympathy For The Devil, Rolling Stones
8. American Trilogy, Elvis Presley
9. Black Dog, Led Zeppelin
10. Annie's Song, John Denver

10 hit singles with one word in the title - a girls name
1. Deborah, T Rex
2. Angie, Rolling Stones
3. Caroline, Status Quo
4. Layla, Derek and the Dominoes
5. Maybelline, Chuck Berry
6. Lola, The Kinks
7. Emma, Hot Chocolate
8. Cecilia, Simon and Garfunkel
9. Lucille, Cliff Richard
10. Rosetta, Georgie Fame and Alan Price

10 Hit singles with body parts in the title
1. Sexy Eyes, Dr Hook
2. I've Got You Under My Skin, Frank Sinatra
3. This Old Heart of Mine, Rod Stewart
4. Long Haired Lover From Liverpool, Jimmy Osmond
5. Arms of Mary, Sutherland Brothers
6. Hot Legs, Rod Stewart
7. You Need Hands, Max Bygraves
8. Stripes Around My Shoulders, Johnny Cash
9. Angel Fingers, Wizzard
10. Back in the USSR, Beatles

10 Songs with a boat's name in the title
1. Dignity, Deacon Blue
2. Lalla Rookh, Fairport Convention
3. Caroline, Status Quo
4. Bonnie Ship The Diamond, Wolfstone
5. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, Gordon Lightfoot
6. Ellen Vannin, The Spinners
7. Sloop John B., The Beach Boys
8. The Mary Ellen Carter, Can't remember
9. Rule Britannia, Arne (lyrics by James Thompson)
10. The Mary Stanford of Rye, Meet on the Ledge

Silly musical quiz questions.
Question 1
What is the connection between the titles of Top 10 singles by these artists?

Question 2.
CHRIS De BURGH 1 point
DONOVAN 2 points
TOM JONES 3 points
BONEY M 4 points
NEW ORDER 5 points
PRINCE 6 points
SANTANA 7 points
WHY?

Question 3. Crack the code.
SHOWADDYWADDY + QUEEN = THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH
THE COMMODORES x THE FUREYS = SUZY QUATRO
CROWDED HOUSE x THE SWEET = GENE PITNEY

10 famous syphilitics
1. Ludwig Van Beethoven
2. Christopher Columbus
3. Al Capone
4. Queen Elizabeth I
5. King George I
6. King Henry VIII
7. Adolf Hitler
8. Oscar Wilde
9. Benito Mussolini
10. Pope Leo X

10 fantastic royal deaths
1. Emperor Menelik II of Ethiopia
Choked attempting to eat The Bible.
2. Robert the Bruce
Leprosy.
3. Charles VIII of France
Fatally clobbered his head on a wooden beam.
4. Queen Eleanor (wife of Edward I)
Poisoned, after sucking the pus from her huspand's septic wound.
5. Catherine the Great
Heart attack while straining to overcome constipation.
6. King James II of Scotland
Decapitated by a piece of shrapnel from one of his own cannons.
7. King Alexander I of Greece
Blood poisoning after being bitten by his pet monkey.
8. Princess Sophie of Bavaria
Spontaneously combusted after standing too close to a gas lamp. She was identified by her dental records.
9. King Haakon VII of Norway
Slipped on a bar of soap and hit his head on a tap.
10. Archduke Franz Ferdinand (whose assassination started World War I)
Was so fussy about his appearance that he insisted on being sewn into his clothes for a crease-free effect. Buttons were then sewn on afterwards for decoration. After being shot in Sarajevo in 1914 he bled to death while his aides tried to cut him out of his suit.

9 historical figures who died during sexual intercourse
1. Atilla the Hun
Burst an artery while on honeymoon with his 12th wife.
2. Pope Leo VII (AD939)
Bludgeoned to death by the husband of the woman he was in bed with.
3. Pope John VII (AD964)
Likewise.
4. Pope Paul I (1471)
Likewise.
5. Pope John XIII (1471)
Heart attack whilst being sodomized by a page boy.
6. The Duke of Orleans (French Prince Regent - 1721)
Had a stroke after a heavy night with his mistress, who was 30 years his junior.
7. Felix Faure (President of France - 1899)
In a Paris brothel.
8. Lord Palmerston (British Prime Minister - 18th October 1865)
Heart attack whilst in the company of a parlour maid over a billiard table.
9. Nelson Rockefeller (former US President)
Aged 71, while copulating with his mistress.

Unfortunate Web Site Names
1. Want to know which agent represents which celebrity? …www.whorepresents.com

2. A site where computer programmers exchange advice and views ...www.expertsexchange.com

3. Want to buy a pen?...www.penisland.com

4. Need a therapist?...www.therapistfinder.com

5. Live in Italy? Want to change electricity suppliers?..www.powergenitalia.com

6. You couldn't make this up....a place in Australia called Mole Station....www.molestationnursery.com

7. Oh, those whacky artists.....www.speedofart.com

8. I swear this is true....want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?...www.gotahoe.com